You want the truth?
I think I might be ready to talk to a professional shrink-type doctor…
I always figured – I’m not crazy, I don’t need to tell my problems to some other person, but I’ve honestly reached a place where there is some part of my brain that I can’t control and I don’t really like what it is doing.
There’s a girl that lives inside that little part, and she is very sad and upset, perhaps because she feels jilted by fate and life. Since she was 12, she knew she wanted children, and she was also terrified of giving birth. But as the years went by, she came to accept that and she was ready to deal with that pain. She had played it up in her mind – it would be an awesome experience, and going through it would make her just that much more awesome. After all – lots of women got through it, she’s no worse.
But – when things did not go as planned, and the baby would not descend, and she ended up with a c-section – she did start to feel worse. Worse than everybody else. More than that – she felt cheated, not by the medical staff – they did everything right, there really wasn’t anyone to blame. It was just fate, life, chance… whatever you want to call it.
And she knows that this is silly and stupid, that she should just be happy and grateful that everyone is alive, because without that c-section – who knows… And yet, still, all these women just popping out babies left and right, glowing afterwards and saying – oh, it’s no big deal!
Well, let me tell you – it’s a big deal when that’s something that you cannot do.
And if this is how it feels when everyone can and you can’t – I wonder how handicapped people must feel, living in this world. At least I am not CONSTANTLY reminded about my “shortcoming”, they can’t get away from it.
Obviously, childbearing is not a competition, and yet – I feel so incompetent. And I know, I know… I did such a great job, my baby is so great, blah blah blah, etc etc… you can say what you want to say, but I can’t change the way I feel… Wish I could, but I can’t. At least not now. In this article, there’s the following line: ”You have to think, I’m so empowered doing exactly what women were meant to do, even if you’re barfing over a toilet or if you have hormonal acne.” Well, not being able to do what women are meant to do is rather unempowering (which is apparently not a real word), and that is the main issue here.
One thing’s for sure – I do want to try VBAC. Came across this through my doc… gives me hope
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