You want the truth?
I think I might be ready to talk to a professional shrink-type doctor…
I always figured – I’m not crazy, I don’t need to tell my problems to some other person, but I’ve honestly reached a place where there is some part of my brain that I can’t control and I don’t really like what it is doing.
There’s a girl that lives inside that little part, and she is very sad and upset, perhaps because she feels jilted by fate and life. Since she was 12, she knew she wanted children, and she was also terrified of giving birth. But as the years went by, she came to accept that and she was ready to deal with that pain. She had played it up in her mind – it would be an awesome experience, and going through it would make her just that much more awesome. After all – lots of women got through it, she’s no worse.
But – when things did not go as planned, and the baby would not descend, and she ended up with a c-section – she did start to feel worse. Worse than everybody else. More than that – she felt cheated, not by the medical staff – they did everything right, there really wasn’t anyone to blame. It was just fate, life, chance… whatever you want to call it.
And she knows that this is silly and stupid, that she should just be happy and grateful that everyone is alive, because without that c-section – who knows… And yet, still, all these women just popping out babies left and right, glowing afterwards and saying – oh, it’s no big deal!
Well, let me tell you – it’s a big deal when that’s something that you cannot do.
And if this is how it feels when everyone can and you can’t – I wonder how handicapped people must feel, living in this world. At least I am not CONSTANTLY reminded about my “shortcoming”, they can’t get away from it.
Obviously, childbearing is not a competition, and yet – I feel so incompetent. And I know, I know… I did such a great job, my baby is so great, blah blah blah, etc etc… you can say what you want to say, but I can’t change the way I feel… Wish I could, but I can’t. At least not now. In this article, there’s the following line: ”You have to think, I’m so empowered doing exactly what women were meant to do, even if you’re barfing over a toilet or if you have hormonal acne.” Well, not being able to do what women are meant to do is rather unempowering (which is apparently not a real word), and that is the main issue here.
One thing’s for sure – I do want to try VBAC. Came across this through my doc… gives me hope
Oh, it makes me sad to read this… I don’t know you in person, but you seem so strong and brave and confident, but I totally get that you have these feelings.. and you of course know all this and it might be completely useless, but I am going to write it anyway: think of all the moms who planned to have a completely natural birth (ahem.. like me!) and ended up with epidurals, pitocins and the like.. and all the moms who planned to breastfeed and couldn’t/didn’t manage (you did!!).. and all the moms who are nervous to take baby around with them to the supermarket, meeting friends etc (I am…and you are not!). Whether you know it or not you are an inspiration to someone, and you have a cute little baby who is growing big and strong and discovering new places with you
and what happened is not your fault! It is the nature’s fault! 
There is one thing I regret when it comes to my baby’s birth and our stay at the hospital, and some days I feel so bad about it, but for her and my sake I must let it go, because in the end it all turned out just fine! Anyway, hugs to you! You are an awesome mama! 
Thank you so much for your kind words!!!!
And I really do appreciate you writing it anyway – it’s one thing inside your own head, but knowing thinks so, and understands – well, that’s how we know we are not crazy.
I don’t know if it is anyone’s fault… I guess – things happen the way they do for a reason, we can’t know whether it is good or bad, just like that story about the old man who’s son got a horse, broke his leg riding it, but then ended up not going to war.
What is the thing that you regret, if you wouldn’t mind sharing?
and as for going places – you just have to start! Start trying!! And you’ll be surprised how easy it is! And how much she is going to enjoy it!!! =)
What’s the worst that can happen?? You can change a diaper anywhere!! And my son usually cries because he is hungry, so I always have a nursing cover with me. Feed in the car, if you don’t want to feed in the restaurant or mall… But if you time it right – you can be out for 2-3 hours with no problems! And if they fall asleep – sometimes even 5 or 6!!! The car rides and the fresh air work great! And you’ve got to let them see new things!!!
Thanks
I know, I have to be brave and start taking her out more – so far I only venture for a walk in the park with her or for quick errands or mommy-group lunches…
What I regret from the birth experience is that she spent the night in the nursery… I was so exhausted after that 48-hour back labour and no sleep that I asked to take her to the nursery for the night, even though I initially planned on her rooming-in all the time… I was so tired.. And the baby nurses were amazing, and she was the only baby there (!) and had their undivided attention and was brought to me whenever she was hungry. But I feel so guilty about it now.
The most important thing is to start!!!
I remember in the beginning I was telling my mom I wanted to go somewhere and she said it made her sad that I didn’t want to just spend time with my baby at home for the first few months, like she did. And I was like – whoa… no way!
About the nursery – I can see why you would have that regret, but I also know why you did it. Honestly – if I had that option, I think I would have gone for it because I was so exhausted, and that sleepless exhaustion drives you to the brink of some pretty scary places. Our hospital didn’t have a nursery, rooming-in was assumed. And if you didn’t want to – the nurse would roll the baby out to the nurse’s station and sit there with them. So that’s why I didn’t do it… But someone else did – that’s how I know about the nurse’s station.
If we already have these soul-plaguing regrets now – imagine how much self-loathing we will accumulate by pre-k! =))
I had a C-section as well, my baby boy is 10 weeks old today, and I totally feel the same. I ran marathons, did bikram yoga, etc. I always thought of myself as strong and tough. After the Section there is a part of me that wonders why me, if I was a real woman I would have given birth vaginally, blah blah blah. But then I look at my boy and just thank God he is healthy. Its normal to feel that way, if you feel like you should talk to someone I would! But you are a tough cookie from reading your birth story!!!
First off – congratulations on your baby boy!
I was doing all those squats and different exercises to prepare… It’s just disappointing when you put so much effort into something, and then encounter factors that are absolutely out of your control. But yes, of course – as long as he is alive and healthy!
There was a midwife that was talked about in our pregnancy group, that was 8 months pregnant and running marathons – I bow down before women like you!! I feel accomplished if I’ve changed out of my pj’s before noon and ate something for lunch! =)
I hope you have a merry Christmas, Kasia! And I want to thank you for your comment! I’m sorry for taking a while to reply, but I want you to know – I read it right away and it made me feel much better, thank you!
You guys all sound like such dedicated Mommy’s. Makes me /excited happy for y’all.
thanks! I think the only place where you can find not dedicated mommys is that teen mom show…
Oh Natasha,
You are the mom, you are the real woman, you just know it.
Don’t forget of all 9 months of carrying, nursing, loving your little tiny bean who grown to your son!! How you can be less a woman than somebody who gave vaginal birth.. I know, I did it, however I HAD this feeling “I am not a real woman” too, you know why? Because my labor didn’t start naturally, I don’t know what it feels like when contractions come by themself, I don’t know how to really count them, I don’t know what it feels like then your water breaks by itself.. you only know that everything is timing and at 4pm you will be induced, and at midnight the doctor will break your bag of water, and what is left to you is just praying that your body will pick it up, and knock out the rest of the process. I was really selfish wanting everything natural. When I was in triage room before they put me into labor, one nurse asked me: why you’re so upset that you’ll be induced – this is the question of your and your baby’s life, why would you trade this just for having “natural birth”. And really why would I???? everything happens for a reason. You went through all the stages of labor, your experienced every single thing could possible happen, and all around you were thinking about you and your son’s life, and did everything to have you both safe and sound, that you’re right now – real mom and woman.
Irisha,
thank you for your comment. That’s a different side to it, I understand your point. I guess we women just tend to over-analyze things, and I am no exception. =) But since I wrote this I really do feel much better about it. Plus – I watched the movie Мамы – cried my eyes out! =)) and am now looking forward to the impact I get to have on my son’s life and the relationship him and I are going to have. I know it doesn’t make a difference to him how he came out, and therefore it doesn’t really matter.
Plus – lately I don’t really have any more time for any of this “self-digging”.
Thank you! Hope you’re doing ok with the going back to work.
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